Why Writing

Today, I began a new journal.  A new journal is an opportunity to take stock and re-map goals.  I decided on calling the blog VERVE because I wanted to capture the energy and spirit of life, create a public journal of essays, reviews, and articles.  The reason that I began writing VERVE has been to give my life a narrative.  It has helped me to turn writing from fantasy to routine.   When I began VERVE, I saw writing as a laborious art to explore and explain myself to that world.  To make a living as a writer has always been a goal, but unrealistic; statistically or accessibly.  The number of writers able to make a living at fiction writing is small.  Accessibility because I prefer writing shorter fiction, and fiction magazines are no longer popular nor widely circulated; magazines rarely publish short fiction anymore.

What attracts me to writing is what attracts me to reading: changing perspective.  Now and growing up, I enjoy reading’s ability to expose me to life experiences I hadn’t known or would know.  Words affect the physical world, re-shaping personal experiences and perspective through investigation.  Essays and stories help make sense of an increasingly complex world through exposure to another’s personal moments and reactions to the same world.  Writing is a pure reaction to create and build upon the physical world, re-conceptualizing experiences.


Dream Home – Bedroom & Bathroom

The bungalow’s salon has French doors that lead directly to the bedroom.  Three of the bedroom’s walls are painted different shades of cement grey, with a darker tone for the trim.  The fourth wall is large bubble glass that faces the backyard, and open to the porch.  An ornate Ottoman stained glass room divider obscured the bed from the glass.  A long installed curtain rod ran across the ceiling with green and watermelon sheer curtains that could be drawn.  There is a Victorian fainting couch next to the French doors.  In the corner is a large mirror.  There are four armoires in the room: one against the wall to the side of the mirror, and the other three lined the parallel wall.  The wrought iron bed, with antique white European country chairs acting as side tables, are in the center of the room, with a black rug underneath.

Opposite the bubble glass is the bathroom, which is black and white art deco with subway tile, and accented with green and bamboo.  The free-standing sink, toilet and claw footed bathtub, are porcelain; the rainforest shower and fixtures are nickel.  There’s a small door across the bathroom entry that leads to a laundry room.


Dream Home – Office & Salon

In my future bungalow there is a writing office off the back porch, overlooking the coy pond, is a small writing office with a square wooden coffee table.  On the porch is a loveseat that overlooks the coy pond.  Through floor to ceiling glass doors is a particularly large salon; curtains are red and gold cotton.  Along the left hand wall fireplace juts out from a brick wall.  Above the fireplace is original artwork.  The fireplace is flanked by floor to ceiling built-in shelves filled with books and candles.  A small slim HD-TV sits on a rolling table out of the way.  In the center of the room is a rug, on top of which is a couch, antique Byzantine conversation couch, and two chairs huddled around a coffee table.  Strewn about the coffee table are periodicals.  Between the couch and the fireplace is an eight-person dining table, with two wing back black chairs at the heads of the table; the remaining six are three pairs of Edwardian chairs.  The right hand wall, where the fireplace is, made-up a library of antique books.  The parallel wall is lined in tiers trailing many feet to the ceiling is a large art collection.

Verve [4/3-4/8]

I do not know what worldly possessions I am working towards.  When I stand still, what style home am I living in?  What objects do I use to define myself?  How will I measure success?  Where do I want to live?  Living in wintry Upstate New York, has given me a desire to live somewhere with only 3 seasons – spring, summer, and fall.  I’d be willing to go as far south as Virginia.  It would need to be a metropolitan area because I enjoy the culture that is provided.  A metropolis would also allow for me to not need a car, and I could rely on public transportation such as a subway or elevated train.  The essential question is: where do I see myself inn 5, 10, or 15 years?  The future isn’t something that I have put much thought into.

My dream home is a bungalow that is a handsome u-shaped Italian Renaissance Revival-style exterior face of brown brick, sandstone, and panels of terracotta details.  A geometric wrought iron fence encases the backyard’s coy pond and fountain.  The courtyard reaches inside flooding the bungalow, creating ever-changing shadows and accents.  The porch is pale glazed brick, ornamental cast iron, Mexican floor tiles, and polished wood.

Verve [3/13-3/18]

I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend, where I omnisciently observed his typical day as a nurse, then home to his husband.  Why did I give him a happy relationship; or make any ex happy without me?  While dreaming and awake I had the belief everyone was happy but me, a feeling that I am incomplete.

Am I incomplete because of a lack of solid male friendships?  All the male friendship I’ve attempted have been with unattainable straight men, which quickly fizzled.  It didn’t need to be the most attractive guy, but the man most girls circled.  Gay men I have found to be over overbearing, as shallow as I pretended to be, or what I used for a mask was their true personality.  I relied on being an exaggerated clown, flirting in hopes to win over the guy to have validation-sex.  Regardless, the speed of the friendship’s lifespan was dictated by the quality time spent together.

The work has induced a sense of anxiety about change and growth, not from fear of accomplishment.  It is a fear that tells me not to do such things.  I wonder what causes such one-sided behavior?  Do straight women flirt to begin male friendships?