Liar! That’s the very definition of manipulation. It dawned on me in that conversation that James thought I was going to keep my life on hold while he kept putting his together. Just fuck off!
Now you’re being spiteful.
That would require giving a fuck, and I’m fresh out of fucks. He had made his affection ebb and flow until I was no longer able to care that he was completely gone.
He said, That doesn’t make any sense. I’m not moving in!
I was relieved because if James moved in and if I didn’t thoroughly cater to him it would trigger an explosion of his anger towards life.
James made all his internal struggles my fault – just as Ben had.
James took advantage of my hard work to have a life of luxury – just as Frank had.
James made me bend and compromise into exhaustion – just as Joey had.
Every moment with James had dripped with desperation. In the time between Joey and James, I had convinced myself that I only had one relationship before throwing the towel in (had one relationship left in me) and retiring to perennial bachelor. James turned out to be that relationship. I didn’t want to be alone, to be forgotten, and I had many fantasy-futures. I had made a promise to give-up, and I really didn’t want to – I am a rom-com fan, like “What’s Your Number?” I was hell-bent on not being a male-spinster. I’m sure my desperation didn’t make me easy to live with, but – there is no but.
I would’ve been living for him, continuously biting my tongue, and living in the name of fear of abandonment; pretending to be stunted, but all that brought was being walked over, and misconstrued; I couldn’t keep surviving like that. I was better off because it took too long to stop the tape of disparages telling me I am cruel, uncaring, and cold from playing in my mind. I convinced myself that I loved him, but it was only a relationship. James was every poor choice in one person, and by dating him I managed to begin truly exorcising ghosts of the past.
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