Life is a sedentary treadmill. I am paralyzed by intense feelings of shame, that my existence is brought into question should I open myself, to create a bond through self-expression, leads to being ignored and thrown away. Life requires experiences that provide a potpourri of emotions, and not the safe experiences that fall into the lap when home and being at work and exercising and reading. Instead I created discord between routine and goals, which breeds familiarity as a crutch – an exhausting a platform that lack of change. The intention of structure is to create a framework for risks, avoiding repeating past cycles of self-abandonment, bending backwards to create a new personality that is more accommodating. What didn’t lead to being ignored was compliance to the needs of others. It is easier to serve another than to assert myself. Overtime I have made the masks I wear for acceptance the expectation others have who I am, in relation to them. Should that mask be revealed to be false there is a second me underneath with different wants and needs; I will be seen as duplicitous. I am terrified that my masks will be seen not as made for survival, which has grown into a core fear that my identity would bring about rejection from others.