I have felt I don’t belong at the adult table – adulating, relationships, and work, comes so much easier to everyone else. Their lives, and without actively comparing, are filled contentment, belonging, and legacy. If I could just get a roadmap to eat, pray, love my way to those things I know the rest would fall into place, emotional security would follow.
Everything outside my goals feels foreign to me, as if I’m faking everything until I can be home and secluded. The real word doesn’t hurt but it increasingly feels like something I’m not a part of. There is a dissonance between how I perceive the world, how I want the world, and the way the world truly is. I am more comfortable going through life seeing the fantastical and the speculative. For example, when I am walking to the store and it is twilight and the lights are just turning on, and there is a warmth as the sky turns purple with twinkling stars. To see that as less than a magical experience, and the opportunities that arise, saddens, and removes me from my neighbors.
I began feeling the greatest distance between myself in elementary school. It was during this time that I began noticing that I was different from the world and the rest of the kids, particularly the boys. Children are acutely aware of the differences amongst each other, particularly when there’s one who doesn’t participate in the same activities and games. I imitated to the expectations of others when I should have been fostering an identity to grow into. Inclusion was predicated upon adopting various skins that brought me affection and attention.