I learned early that existence was being in a state of constant heartbreak. The gay domesticity templates of Jodie Dallas, Ellen, and other early homosexual representation demonstrated that life would never consist of a cozy weekend bubble with another, only the longing for one. While Jodie Dallas was perpetually single, Ellen DeGeneres’ presentation of homosexual relationship was full of drama and bickering. These examples of playing-house were a lacking perfect reflection of what I wanted, which was the bittersweet rom-com of When Harry Met Sally, or How to Marry a Millionaire; and later 13 Going on 30, What’s Your Number, Sex & the City.
In the past, I sunk under the weight of pursing others like a puppy only to not be selected. The superficiality of idolized physicality in homosexuality was not me. Perfect was the Abercrombie & Fitch model or Justin Timberlake; the pop-idol and the porn star got all the attention. Not me, the queerly geek whose authenticity – the interests, experiences, and beliefs – existed on the peripheral of popular. How could they not see how cool I was?
Abandonment became engrained in middle school when everyone began pairing-off to experimenting with relationship dynamics, leaving me feeling alone. I didn’t go to local gay youth groups to meet peers because I wasn’t ready for an identity label, which was rooted in the denial that was needed in high school to survive. The homosexual teenagers I conversed with through the internet seemed so much braver than myself because they had found and proclaimed their inner authenticity. Their assured identity gave them the bravery to ask to meet immediately. To me they had already labeled themselves and claimed to have said as much to their parents. Being exceedingly reluctant of labels, I was intimidated, fearing their permanence. I wasn’t ready to be placed in any box, let alone the wrong one; and then go through the embarrassment of changing labels. I was incapable of reading other homosexual teenagers’ eagerness to meet as a shared isolation, and so made excuses as to why that couldn’t happen.
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