At SUNY @ Purchase, I freely made my homosexuality explicit and explore relationship dynamics. I was no virgin before or during college, but a relationship continued to elude me. I wasn’t laser focused on acquiring a boyfriend because the class load made it quickly clear that was not going to happen. I was a child compared to my classmates who all seemed much worldlier than I. Their world seemed so much bigger than the one I came from, filled with parties and adventures that I had only see in movies and television. I desperately wanted to be like them, sophisticated, well-read, and so comfortable in their uniqueness that they could sell themselves. This was something I couldn’t be, but I could pull forth a façade.
Hours were spent in the college’s library developing my cool gay cabinet, identity, and vocabulary; I read cultural writers to know what to think, and studied the writers and artists to know what to get away with. I formed a cabinet of (famous or not; perfect or not; real or fictional) people of characteristics to emulate, to develop a crisper identity and world-view. The cabinet that was selected had no root in the people and interests of my own, but in the interests of the people I wanted to impress; Kafka, architecture, Feminism, playwriting, and psychology. I could converse deeply about their interests, and engrain myself into their graces. They revealed themselves, exposing their interests and desires, while I continued behind a mask that reflected them back. Everyone enjoys seeing themselves in others because it knocks down walls of isolationism, in favor attachment.