I crave and have been longing for something, anything, new to create and build upon. In looking to the past I have hoped to forge new-ness. By editing and revising my story, crystalizing events into formative moments allows for the creation of sound foundations to go forward. Part of creating the foundation involves sharing alleviating of secrets because secrets form a warm comfortability; particularly after being kept for so long. Growing up I could not actively be authentic, developing into chronic shame.
For myself, chronic shame came from the best of intentions of my parents when raising two children. And they were good at it, striving to create balance for two radically different kids. When they didn’t live up to expectations they privately, and I’m sure to this day, scolded themselves; they failed less times than they believe they did. The majority of their concern was aimed at my sister and her uncontrollable outbursts. My sister’s (then undiagnosed bipolar) behavior drew my parents’ attention, exhausting them, resulting in an often chaotic home life. My parents did what they could at the time, as an adult and child I understood that, so I crafted a compliant personality designed to make life far simpler. This allowed me to get attention when my parents sought respite from my sister.
Compliance also allowed me to go unseen, with my homosexuality never being addressed. This self-imposed inability to say out loud that I was gay. I had seen modelled on TV even how the most progressive of parents reacted, which was with tears of worry. I was not going to add more concerns to their already full plate. I vowed to be the straw that broke any one’s back.