I exist in a state of constant heartbreak, longing to be within a cozy weekend bubble with another. In the past I sunk under the weight of pursing others like a puppy only to not be selected; my authenticity – the interests, experiences, and beliefs – has always existed on the peripheral of popular.
An element of fear of abandonment became engrained in middle school when everyone began experimenting with relationship dynamics. Every student appeared to pair-off, leaving me feeling alone. During this delicate time, I turned to the people around me as models of domesticity, which did not perfectly reflect what felt natural to me. In culture role-models were Ellen DeGeneres when she came out while I was in high school, but unfortunately her breezy character became heavy, angry, and hurt The relationship her character presented was full of drama and bickering. Queer as Folk on Showtime presented more of the same, but this time heavy drug use was included. I was in college by that time and finally saw healthier homosexual relationships, through Will Graham, Will & Grace, was single through the majority of the show’s run, having serious relationships after the show found success.
The domesticity on Will & Grace was not perfection, but the characters created a bubble of playing house. I wanted to emulate the relationships by running errands, sharing chores, and cooking together. Our existence would be dictated by shared calendars and outings. It would be teamwork and comradery. I crafted doctored acceptable variations of myself, believing my exposed self would not be good enough. The knowledge my authenticity granted was deferred to others in an effort to avoid insult and derision. Receding behind partners’ goals I built up their hopes, while exploring how to play with the truth, creating chaos that would ultimately result in the relationship imploding.