For a brief moment I was chatting with a guy, E.F., through a dating website. During that brief time, I was attached to my phone just like a teenager, eagerly awaiting and checking the dating website to see if I had received a response. Everything about how E.F. described himself was perfect, so I was wary, but I made the decision to let fantasies dictate that my walls come down. E.F. said he was a total alpha male and into rough sex. When plans to meet slowly began to become finalized and a reality the time between responses grew until he completely stopped answering. I am a grown up and have been able to move on, but the interaction still weighs on my mind. I feel relieved and disheartened. I am relieved at the lack of risk; I am disheartened because I had to abandon the idea of being found. The idea that I would ever be able to settle down has eluded me since high school when dating with someone similar to my self became a foreign ideal. Each time an opportunity arises, though, I build up my hopes like a tower only to watch them crumble.