Verve (3/17-21)

The in-costume players and actors in Williamsburg, while vacationing with my parents for Spring Break, brought down walls and barriers that I usually keep up, making me feel warm and comfortable.  This is rare for me; typically, my guard is up and fourth guess what to say and do.  Often I am overwhelmed by intense feelings of shame.  It has always been difficult to ascertain the origin of why I am paralyzed, other than feeling my existence is brought into question – to open myself, to create a bond through self-expression, leads to being ignored and thrown away to be forgotten.  What didn’t lead to being ignored is compliance to others and their needs.  It is easier to serve another than to assert myself.  Overtime I have made the masks I wear for acceptance the expectation others have who I am, in relation to them.  Should that mask be revealed to be false, that there is a second me underneath with different wants and needs, I will be seen as duplicitous.  I am terrified that my masks will be seen not as made for survival, which has grown into a core fear that my identity would bring about rejection from others.

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