I am a living on a treadmill. Stationary is a synonym for sedentary. My life needs a rebranding, new experiences that will give me a potpourri of emotions, and not just the same safe ones of being home and being at work and exercising and reading. Instead I have created discord between my routine and my goals, breeding familiarity as a crutch, and not a platform for change has become exhausting. Structure is meant to create a safe framework where risks have not been taken. I am looking for change and am hoping new experiences will fall into my lap. I would prefer if the new does not lead to repeating past cycles of abandoning my own self for others’ interests, bending backwards to create a new personality that is more accommodating.
I have only had four relationships in my life, and they all began post-college years. My college years were high school. Opportunities to practice and flex my queer identity were hampered by the times, which is in stark contrast to the new freedoms of exploration allowed to youths currently. They are dating and expressing queerness at younger ages, which allows them to avoid the pain that currently creates paralysis within me.