I never thought I was complex enough for you. I had never been brave like you for living so loudly. I was scared the whole time that you’d find out that beneath the image I had crafted wasn’t someone you deserved. I feared your rejection. This is a deep seated fear that I carried with even before I knew was different, a homosexual. To avoid being alone the rest of my life, friendless and isolated, early in my youth I began creating masks to hide behind. I never knew the damage those masks continued to inflict until after you had left. You were fed up with the chaos that I created to deflect from the cypher that was hidden.
I’ve been working to illuminate the inherent shadows behind my various masks. By taking apart and reassembling my formative years I have involve myself in crafting my queer identity. This is allowing me to discover the root of my conceptions of homosexuality, developing a relationship with queerness, which will inform how to better navigate and perceive the world and my relationship to it and handle problems.
I should’ve taken time off before you, but I was excited that my crush since 20 years old had found me.