If I was to be an X-Men there were two mutant powers that I wanted: shapeshifting and telepathy.
Shapeshifting to me represented liberation, a way to escape my conflict about homosexuality; freedom to explore queerness. In middle and most of high school women were happy in their submissive role, reveled in the same fantasies about escape to a big city, a family of friends, and self-reliance. With shapeshifting I’d be able to become that person, to become anyone other than myself. I’d be able to avoid the lonely and isolation prophesized by television and movies. By being able to shapeshift I’d have more tools at my disposal. If only my goals and fantasies matched my outside.
Telepathy was a power that I wanted because it would ensure that the forms I took would be ideal for whom I was interacting with. By having telepathy I’d know exactly what to say, be prepared for what others would say, and always have a funny quip to keep grace. Having the correct words, I’d be able to give the illusion that I was known without having to go through the painful experience of not exposing my queerness. Telepathy would remove the guess work about how to be part of the group.