I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend, where I omnisciently observed his typical day as a nurse, then home to his husband. Why did I give him a happy relationship; or make any ex happy without me? While dreaming and awake I had the belief everyone was happy but me, a feeling that I am incomplete.
Am I incomplete because of a lack of solid male friendships? All the male friendship I’ve attempted have been with unattainable straight men, which quickly fizzled. It didn’t need to be the most attractive guy, but the man most girls circled. Gay men I have found to be over overbearing, as shallow as I pretended to be, or what I used for a mask was their true personality. I relied on being an exaggerated clown, flirting in hopes to win over the guy to have validation-sex. Regardless, the speed of the friendship’s lifespan was dictated by the quality time spent together.
The work has induced a sense of anxiety about change and growth, not from fear of accomplishment. It is a fear that tells me not to do such things. I wonder what causes such one-sided behavior? Do straight women flirt to begin male friendships?