Manic Pixie Queer Dream Boy

tumblr_mam6e52fli1qh7wudo1_500At college I freely made my homosexuality explicit and explore relationship dynamics.  I was no virgin before or during college, but a relationship continued to elude me.  I wasn’t laser focused on acquiring a boyfriend because the class load made it quickly clear that was not going to happen.  I was good enough for a lay, but not to spend time with.  I felt like a child compared to my classmates who all seemed much more worldly than I.  I desperately wanted to be like them, sophisticated, well-read, and so comfortable in their uniqueness that they could sell themselves.  This was something I couldn’t be, but I could pull forth a façade.

Hours were spent in the college’s library developing my cool gay identity vocabulary.  I read cultural writers to know what to think, and studied the writers and artists to know what to get away with.  Rejecting all previous gay iconography, I studied with interest, cultivating worldly queerness.  I molded a new sophisticated variation of my previous mask – a manic pixie queer dream boy.  In a world of weekend parties and fickleness, I covered insecurities in a façade specifically designed with a shelf life.

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