My Gay Identity

To me, being gay has never been about a movement, or dance divas, or impeccable style/taste.  Being gay was about longing to be what I was not – perfect.  Perfect was the jocks or musicians in high school because they got all the attention; and paid attention back to all the girls, and not to me.  Perfect as not the quietly humorous one who liked school and read in the back of class.  How could they not see how cool I was?

In high school I didn’t go to parties because I wasn’t invited.  If kids were doing drugs and drinking it wasn’t with me because no one asked.  I didn’t go to local gay youth groups to meet peers because I wasn’t ready.  The internet was about to be a thing so that was how I explored.  I wasn’t cool enough to have sex, so I chatted.

In college I did not meet perfect, who were the artistic and eccentric.  At my undergrad perfect was chased by girls and boys, and were more likely to chase the boys back.  Perfect was still not the quietly humorous one who liked school and read in the back of class.  He was finally cool, though.

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